In My Sister's Eyes

In my eyes I am broken.
Boastful, impatient, unwanted.
Defeated, self -seeking.
In my eyes I am far below average.

In my sister's eyes I am strong.
Bold, immovable
A dreamer, capable of anything.

In my sister's eyes I am a leader.
Resourceful, adaptable

A teacher.

Experienced, willing

In my sister's eyes I am graceful.
Dignified, modest.

In my sister's eyes I am a fighter
Indomitable. Fearless.

In my sister's eyes I am a servant
Christ-like. Compassionate.

In my sister's eyes I am beautiful.
Put together. Wholly and dearly loved.

In my sister's eyes I am a friend.
Dependable. Adventurous.

In my sister's eyes I am heroic.
Courageous. Truth seeking.

In my sister's eyes I am remarkable.
Understanding. Persevering.
Earth-shattering. Needed.

To My Home Team

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

    Once a dreamer, always a dreamer. Being a senior, I have found myself caught in between the known and the unknown. This year has brought me feelings of great joy, sorrow, and confusion. I am relishing in the freedom to make my won choices, but also embracing my lack of responsibility that will soon vanish. With the year rapidly coming to a close, I have found myself reflecting on the lessons learned and anticipating the lessons to come.  If you would have asked me 2, 5, or even 10 years ago, there is no way I could have predicted where I would be in this moment.

    Every year, our church recognizes the graduating class in front of the congregation. I remember these days fondly. As a child, I remember my eyes getting big and my mind racing, and how cool I felt being in the same room as a teenager. As I got older, these days made me wonder what they would say when it was my turn. Would I be off to some crazy town up north? Would I head west to California just for the adventure? Or would I be saying "Roll Tide" with even more passion than I had before? I remember these moments and laugh, because nothing has turned out the way that I planned.

    My big dreams of heading north faded quickly, for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I never really became talented enough to make it in L.A, so that's that. My college dreams weren't lost yet, though. My heart became set on the University of Alabama: one of the most beautiful places I have ever laid my eyes upon. I thought I had found my new home.

   Long story short, something was telling me that Tuscaloosa was not it. Something was making me question, and in the end I decided that for now, I needed to be here. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe my doubts were not true, and maybe I will look back and wonder why. Maybe me changing my mind was foolish, maybe I'm reading all the signs incorrectly. Maybe, two years from now, this wont be home anymore. But maybe, just maybe, this is it.

    A lot of maybes, I know. But if I know one thing, it is this: we are all on the same team. We are all called to fulfill our purpose whether here or there, and we are being sent out to build the kingdom of God. I am thankful for a "team" who has been by my side since day one. A team who has celebrated with me in my ups and prayed with me and over me in my downs. And until I am led elsewhere, I will be joyful in the hope of fulfilling my purpose in the best way I know how. I will be patient in my suffering and I will always, always be faithful in my prayers for peace, growth, and clarity. What a blessing this journey has been, and what a blessing it will be. If nothing else, I feel privileged because each and every morning I wake up with so much joy in my heart because I know that I get just a little bit longer with my "home team."  

Even as I am typing this, I stand amazed at the depth and uniqueness of our story's. I am in awe of the bravery and tenacity of our spirits and the spontaneity of our hearts. But most of all, I stand in humble adoration for the peace and promise that we have all been given in the story of Jesus Christ. Once a dreamer, always a dreamer. But once a follower, always a follower.

Dear 17 Year Old Me..

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." -Psalm 31:7

 Like anyone, my journey with Christ has been filled with joy, sorrow, laughter, heartache, and fulfillment. I have found myself anywhere from shouting words of praise, feeling "lukewarm" and complacent, and crying out for some sort of remedy for my aching soul. Over the last year, I've realized that my one true "remedy" has been buried under the rubble of worldly ideals and expectations. 

I have been pulled into a scene of materialism and artificial beauty. I have been overtaken by feelings of inadequacy and found myself completely overwhelmed with expectations that I felt I could never meet. I found myself being pulled away from a God who has made me in HIS image, all because I became obsessed with a number on the lining of my tattered blue jeans. Was it my selfishness that made me feel like I had to appear a certain way? My pride? Who knows. 

After being out of the gym for a month due to an injury, I was hesitant to get back at it. After four weeks of feeling low and inadequate, my moments of fear, discontentment, sorrow and grief became paralyzing; I felt like my ship was sinking. After a moment, though, I realized that I am more than a number, more than an appearance, more than an expectation. I joke that my knee injury ruined my teenage life, but I honestly believe it may have saved it. 

Health is of great value, no doubt. But healthy is knowing that it will be okay. Health is eating without feeling regret. Health is working out because you love your body. Health is filling your mind with words of affirmation, not discouragement. Health is embracing the imperfections and walking in the knowledge that you are fearfully, and wonderfully, wonderfully made; intricately woven, cherished, and filled with purpose. What I wouldn't do to go back and tell 17 year old me what I know now. 

 With Lent beginning this week, I have had people casually ask "oh, what are you giving up for Lent?" and found myself as well as others almost joking about what they could give up, as if the sacrifice was meaningless. What I am learning, though, is that Lent is more than preparation. It is more than repentance, and it is more than my sacrifice, because I can never sacrifice more than what has been sacrificed for me. No amount of repentance will ever make me worthy of the love I have found, and no amount of preparation will ever adequately prepare me for the rest of my journey. 

As opposed to giving up something seemingly superficial (aka Twitter and Facebook like my previous adventures), I am deciding to rid myself of the unrealistic expectations that in no way serve God or myself. I am "giving up" self-doubt and desires for what society tells me is "pretty" and "worthy." Instead, I am finding my identity in Christ. I am retracting from the singularity of this world and embracing myself for everything that I am, entangling myself in the love of Jesus Christ and the beauty that he has found in ME. This time, Lent is different. I am letting go of my fears, doubts, and selfishness and returning to the one I long for the most.

I am thankful for my struggles and embrace where I was, where I am, and where I am going, because by the grace of God I am what I am. The burden of my heart has rolled away and I am no longer buried under the ashes of my broken spirit.