"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." -Psalm 31:7
Like anyone, my journey with Christ has been filled with joy, sorrow, laughter, heartache, and fulfillment. I have found myself anywhere from shouting words of praise, feeling "lukewarm" and complacent, and crying out for some sort of remedy for my aching soul. Over the last year, I've realized that my one true "remedy" has been buried under the rubble of worldly ideals and expectations.
I have been pulled into a scene of materialism and artificial beauty. I have been overtaken by feelings of inadequacy and found myself completely overwhelmed with expectations that I felt I could never meet. I found myself being pulled away from a God who has made me in HIS image, all because I became obsessed with a number on the lining of my tattered blue jeans. Was it my selfishness that made me feel like I had to appear a certain way? My pride? Who knows.
After being out of the gym for a month due to an injury, I was hesitant to get back at it. After four weeks of feeling low and inadequate, my moments of fear, discontentment, sorrow and grief became paralyzing; I felt like my ship was sinking. After a moment, though, I realized that I am more than a number, more than an appearance, more than an expectation. I joke that my knee injury ruined my teenage life, but I honestly believe it may have saved it.
Health is of great value, no doubt. But healthy is knowing that it will be okay. Health is eating without feeling regret. Health is working out because you love your body. Health is filling your mind with words of affirmation, not discouragement. Health is embracing the imperfections and walking in the knowledge that you are fearfully, and wonderfully, wonderfully made; intricately woven, cherished, and filled with purpose. What I wouldn't do to go back and tell 17 year old me what I know now.
With Lent beginning this week, I have had people casually ask "oh, what are you giving up for Lent?" and found myself as well as others almost joking about what they could give up, as if the sacrifice was meaningless. What I am learning, though, is that Lent is more than preparation. It is more than repentance, and it is more than my sacrifice, because I can never sacrifice more than what has been sacrificed for me. No amount of repentance will ever make me worthy of the love I have found, and no amount of preparation will ever adequately prepare me for the rest of my journey.
As opposed to giving up something seemingly superficial (aka Twitter and Facebook like my previous adventures), I am deciding to rid myself of the unrealistic expectations that in no way serve God or myself. I am "giving up" self-doubt and desires for what society tells me is "pretty" and "worthy." Instead, I am finding my identity in Christ. I am retracting from the singularity of this world and embracing myself for everything that I am, entangling myself in the love of Jesus Christ and the beauty that he has found in ME. This time, Lent is different. I am letting go of my fears, doubts, and selfishness and returning to the one I long for the most.
I am thankful for my struggles and embrace where I was, where I am, and where I am going, because by the grace of God I am what I am. The burden of my heart has rolled away and I am no longer buried under the ashes of my broken spirit.
